Dear (Very Confusing) Secret Santa

Dear Secret Santa from my place of employment,

Thank you for the time and effort you put into the purchase of women’s plus sized twelve underwear for me this year. You must have scoured the Secret Santa Gift Guide for hours to assure that I would receive the perfect gift. Although the underwear is literally 6 sizes too big, I feel confident I can come up with many resourceful, practical uses for my new plus sized gift. With my new underwear, I can:

Knit a stocking

Pitch a tent

Make an attractive head scarf

Dress a snowman

Make holiday place mats with elastic waist bands

Fashion a mosquito net for last minute jungle excursions

Swaddle a newborn set of quintuplets

Blindfold a set of school children for a fun game of pin the tail on the donkey

Make a new fashion statement and submit it to Vogue

Be the envy of friends and family

And of course, create memories that will last a life time

Thank you, secret santa. Christmas miracles really do come true.


Twenty Something Waitress


“I’m Blind!” This Week’s Embarrassing Moment

Not a week  goes by when I don’t severely embarrass myself in front of one or more customers. Here is this week’s most embarassing moment.

Part of my restaurant’s cool, funky appeal is its dim, lounge type lighting during the night shifts. As we begin to head into the evening hours, one of the manager’s jobs is to dim the lights and get the party started. The manager is actually supposed to gradually dim the lights every fifteen or twenty minutes as it heads more into evening, but this almost never happens. This, combined with extremely faulty light switches, makes the transition from day to night look something like this:

Ten seconds later:

On Wednesday, the light switches decided they felt like turning almost all the way off. I was in the middle of punching in an order when the manager lost control of the lights and the restaurant got extremely dark. There was a bit of commotion as customers looked around to see what was going on, and I yelled out “I’m Blind!”

That exact same moment, a blind person walked in.

It would be an understatement to say I wanted to die inside in that moment. So I did what any self respecting waitress would do. I ran away and hid in the bathroom.

When I had composed myself and returned, the guy was sitting in my section. I decided to pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened and he never heard my “I’m Blind!” cries echoing across the restaurant. I approached the table, brought him a glass of water, and asked, “Do you need a menu?”

I immediately recognized my error and became severely flustered.

Since I’d already exhausted my option of running away, I pretty much just surrendered myself to the awkwardness after that. Once I managed to figure out how to speak English again, I took his order, and figured most of the embarrassment was behind me. He was an easy going customer and didn’t need much attention. By the end of his meal, I’d mostly forgotten about the error of my ways. I dropped off his credit card receipt and said cheerily “See you later!”

“See you later,” he chimed back.