I recently earned a new nick name at work: “The Stork.” You know, that awesome bird that drops newborn babies on people’s doorsteps? (because obviously that’s how babies are made.) How I got this nickname was a result of literally, the worst shift I have ever worked, ever, the shift I like to call “The Baby and The Black Out.”
It started off simple enough. A couple came in with their newborn baby (I’m talking a week old, tops) and asked where would be the best place to set up a high chair so they could put the baby’s car seat on top of it. It was pretty empty in the restaurant, and when they set up in the aisle between two booths, I told them, don’t worry, I”ll work around you.
WRONG.
Midway through their meal, the place started to get busy. As I was hustling around their table to give another table their check, my hip brushed against the highchair and….drum roll…..the highchair toppled, and the carseated baby went flying.
Fortunately (and fortunately is an understatement), the baby was strapped into the carseat, and let’s face it, carseats are meant to get bumped around in the event of an accident. Surely crash test dummies have also tested the effects of waitresses as well as large vehicles hurling towards them. After getting over the initial shock, the parents calmed down, got their baby to stop crying, and were incredibly nice throughout the meal. The fact that they tipped me after I nearly killed their child was quite generous, I thought.
Think the shift is over? No. It keeps going.
After now officially earning the name “The Stork”, because according to my co-worker, I “drop babies”, I hoped things would return to normal. I went to the back to grab some menus when I banged my knee right against the pressure point against a very sharp corner. It was some of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, and I’ve been tattooed multiple times. After a few minutes, I started to feel woozy. And a couple minutes after that…..
Yes….I blacked out. Apparently, this is something that can happen to people when they are in extreme pain. Having never had this experience, I thought for a moment I was losing my mind.
There is an upside to all of this baby dropping and blacking out though. I now know, no matter what happens during my shifts from now on, nothing can ever compare to the time I almost killed a newborn, blacked out, and hallucinated unicorns caring for me in my time of need.
They don’t pay me $8.00 an hour for nothing.
Sincerely,
Twenty Something Waitress
Twenty Something Waitress 
I am glad everything turned out to be okay, but I can’t imagine what you felt when you knocked the baby over. I could feel my heart jumping into my throat just reading about it. I’ll bet you almost had a heart attack.
Everyone has a bad day now and then.
Yeah, it was pretty scary at the time, but fortunately we got a good laugh out of it (not to mention my new nick name) since everything turned out ok!
What sort of percentage do people tip after you’ve sent their newborn flying?
I think it’s time to rename your blog The Chronicles of a Baby-Dropping Waitress. Trust me, readers love drama.
22 precent, to be exact. And as much as I would love to rename my blog, I’m planning on the baby dropping being a one time only occurrence.
Omfg!!!!!!!!!! I can’t stop laughing xoxoxo At least you are ok !!! And I thought I had it rough making smoothies for rich gym people! You win! Xo
hahahah!! awesome, where’s my waitress trophy?
HOLY JESUS BEST POST EVER. Also, who brings a 7 day old baby to any restaurant, especially a young person’s diner? If you’re craving some sauteed quinoa that bad they do take out.
haha right? I think infants less than a month old should be banned. It’s just too much pressure!
Oh my! first of all it does not make sense to me that these parental units would want to prop a baby seat on top of a high chair…or is it just me? Can’t you put a baby seat in the booth with you? Nonetheless I’m pretty sure the stress of knocking over a baby was a factor in your passing out later. And don’t worry, I’ve definitely taken down a toddler while carrying a large tray of drinks… I felt bad for her…. but not really for her parents–who thought it was wise to let their kid play musical chairs around their table located right next to the service window.
haha taken down a toddler!! so sad! Little kids musical chairs is THE WORST. I’m like, oh my god, parents, do you not care that i’m walking around this restaurant with hot coffee in my hand and your child is in my line of fire?
OMG – I want to laugh and gasp at the same time: gaugh. Good thing everyone’s (relatively) OK, or else this would’ve turned out to be a very different kind of post.
haha! “gaugh” ! Best new word ever!!
I once hit a kid with my truck. I now compare most bad experiences where I might be implicated as a guilty party to this one event. He literally jumped out from between parked cars on rollerblades. The kid almost made it (He hit the driver’s side front bumper) past me. Being able to compare other events to this one has come in handy many times… and many of those times were actually waiting tables.
Oh man! That is brutal! That kid was probably me. Its a wonder i made it through my childhood with the invention of rollerblades.
I was the same way. The things I did on rollerblades… and my bike… and on foot… and on bridges… and… well, it is kind of amazing I made it through childhood.
When are you going to write another post?! Hello, hello?
Waiting with bated breath